To the guy who I mugged in Downtown Savannah the night before last. Date: 2009-04-01, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T. Yes, that’s April Fool’s Day.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket who pulled a gun on you and demanded that you hand over your girlfriend’s purse and earrings, and threatened your lives if you didn’t do so. The gun I pointed at you was Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol purchased by my girlfriend for my birthday. Obviously you agree that it’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head isn’t it?

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol from my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

I know it probably wasn’t fun when I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help you catch me after I mugged you.

Secondly, I'd like to apologize for shooting you and your girlfriend when I saw you attempt to remove your gun from your holster. Too bad it never occurred to you that it was much easier for me to shoot you and your unarmed girlfriend than it was for you to shoot me because my gun was already aimed at your head while your gun was still in your holster.

Before I made my getaway, just for spite, I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of your car.

After I shot you I called your mother, or "Mommy" as you had her listed in your cell phone, to explain the entire episode of what I'd done because you foolishly pulled your gun when all I wanted was your money. Then I immediately filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Gos, but I kept all the cash in your wallet. [That made my day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.

Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the Secret Service and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The Secret Service agents and the FBI guy seemed really intense and we had nice long chats (I guess while they traced your phone number etc.)

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel forcing you and your ex-girlfriend to live in a wheelchair for the rest of your lives is a far more appropriate punishment for your foolish attempt to thwart my threatened crime. I wish you and your ex-girlfriend well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues while in the intensive care ward of the hospital, and can only hope that after your multiple surgeries you have the opportunity to reflect upon and reconsider your decision to pull your gun that night.

Remember, next time you and your ex-girlfriend might not be so lucky and wind up dead.

Have a good day in your hospital!

Thoughtfully yours,

The mugger in the black Burberry jacket

P.S. Remember this motto. Armed muggers don’t care about civil society!